A Different Kind of Open Letter to the Board
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David Goldberg and I had an incredibly productive discussion on Thursday. It lasted an hour and ten minutes. It was filled with nothing but mutual respect and listening. I shared with David that I would prefer to work transparently than to address the board privately. David shared that he could respect that, hence this open letter to the Board (of a very different kind).
I want to make it clear before I continue that one can be upset with someone, angry with someone, believe that something wrong happened, and still love and respect that person (or institution) at the same time. It’s called a Dialectic – when two opposing things are true at once (it’s the opposite of cognitive dissonance).
I also want to share that I do not believe that there are sides here. There are people which make up a community, which makes up our congregation. Many with different opinions, all hurting. This is not a binary, either/or situation.
One of the criticisms of my first Open letter was that some felt that it contained ultimatums. It did not. When utilizing Robert’s Rules of Order, and following our By-Laws, there is no room to simply call a “town hall.” A special meeting has to have very specific items to discuss, and then to vote on, up or down.
David asked what a Town Hall could look like. One that was filled with respect, and love, and mutual understanding, and shared goals, and a path forward toward healing. David asked me to present my ideas for what that might look like, and how it could be held in a manner that would ensure respect, and to reduce further hurt, instead of causing more harm.
I told him that a model for this very type of situation that we find ourselves in now exists. It is called Restorative Justice. It is used both when there have been serious crimes…but also when communities have felt hurt. It is a way of bringing everyone together, with an outside facilitator or facilitators, so that all (even those accused of wrongdoing or mistakes) can hear and be heard, and then heal .
The general principles of Restorative Justice are that:
- When something occurs where hurt happens, it is because there was, somewhere, a violation of people and obligations.
- The violations that have occurred create new obligations for all involved (the community, the victim(s), those who have made mistakes or hurt others (intentionally or unintentionally).
- Justice (or healing) must bring together the entire community, including those who are victims, those who have made mistakes or intentional wrongdoing, and those who are simply members of the impacted community in an effort to put things right.
- This moves away from someone “getting what they deserve” and moves into all who have been hurt being healed (Tikkun Olam). It also involves those who have hurt making meaningful T’Shuvah.
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These are all Jewish values. If you would like to read the book on Restorative Justice, you can do so for free here as a PDF.
These meetings are not “free for alls.” They are not a place where fingers are pointed. They must be entered into as a Holy Act (and we are a holy congregation and community). These are a place where both those who have offended, and those who have been hurt (and sometimes those who have been hurt and who have also offended) come together for healing.
I am not putting myself forward as a facilitator. I am not trained in Restorative Justice practices (it is on my long term bucket list, but it’ll be another few years until I get there). There are however many Restorative Justice practitioners and trainers here in Buffalo (through the University at Buffalo School of Social Work, and other institutions and agencies) who could facilitate a Restorative Justice Circle for our congregation.
The goal of this meeting is to have restorative healing.
To be sure it is going to be uncomfortable. Whenever we take a Chesbon Nefesh (an “accounting of our souls”) we have to hear difficult truths. We have to also share difficult truths with others that we love. Just because we have to share difficult truths does not mean that we do not love them. It is because we love one another that this kind of meeting can, and should take place.
My recommendation then would be for the Board to consider a Restorative Justice Circle, with an impartial outside facilitator. After this, we can look at bylaw changes that may or may not be needed. First, though, healing.
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